Girlfriend in the car

[Queen of Blades]

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

[teenagefrank]

Paddy, had been drinking all night at the bar, when suddenly he got sick and threw up all over himself. He says to the bartender, that when he gets home his wife is going to kill him. the bartender feeling sorry for Paddy, tells him not to worry and puts a twenty into his shirt pocket and tells him to tell his wife that some other bloke was drinking and threw up on Paddy.
Paddy goes home and his wife shrieks when she sees the condition he's in. He tells her that a guy was drunk and threw up on him but gave him a twenty to clean his clothes and reaches into his pocket and gives his wife the bill. She inturn goes into his pocket and pulls out another twenty dollar bill and says "whats this for?" Paddy says Oh that, he also took a shite in me pants.