Mama Bear
06-19-2007, 01:31 AM
My apologies to the lawyers in advance.... ;)
Subject: Disorder in the Court
>
>These are from a book called Disorder in the
>American Courts, and are things
>people actually said in court, word for word, taken
>down and now published
>by court reporters who had the torment of staying
>calm while these exchanges
>were actually taking place.
>
>
>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>
>__________________________________________________ _______
>
>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
>impact?
>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> ______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
>memory at all?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your
>memory?
>WITNESS: I forget.
>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
>something you forgot?
> _____________________________________
>ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said
>to you that morning?
>WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> ______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
>involved in voodoo?
>WITNESS: We both do.
>ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>WITNESS: We do.
>ATTORNEY: You do?
>WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> ______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
>person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it
>until the next morning?
>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ____________________________________
>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how
>old is he?
>WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
> _______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
>taken?
>WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
> ______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
>August 8th?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
> ______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>WITNESS: None.
>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I
>need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
> ______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>WITNESS: By death.
>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
> ______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>WITNESS: Guess.
> _____________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
>pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
>attorney?
>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
>performed on dead people?
>WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
>people. Would you like to re-phrase that?
> ______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
>school did you go to?
>WITNESS: Oral.
> ______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined
>the body?
>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why
>I was doing an autopsy on him!
>____________________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that
>question?
> ______________________________________
>And the best for last:
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
>did you check for a pulse?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
>was alive when you began the autopsy?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in
>a jar.
>ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
> alive,
>nevertheless?
>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
>alive and practicing law.
Subject: Disorder in the Court
>
>These are from a book called Disorder in the
>American Courts, and are things
>people actually said in court, word for word, taken
>down and now published
>by court reporters who had the torment of staying
>calm while these exchanges
>were actually taking place.
>
>
>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>
>__________________________________________________ _______
>
>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
>impact?
>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> ______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
>memory at all?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your
>memory?
>WITNESS: I forget.
>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
>something you forgot?
> _____________________________________
>ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said
>to you that morning?
>WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> ______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
>involved in voodoo?
>WITNESS: We both do.
>ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>WITNESS: We do.
>ATTORNEY: You do?
>WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> ______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
>person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it
>until the next morning?
>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ____________________________________
>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how
>old is he?
>WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
> _______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
>taken?
>WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
> ______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
>August 8th?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
> ______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>WITNESS: None.
>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I
>need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
> ______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>WITNESS: By death.
>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
> ______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>WITNESS: Guess.
> _____________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
>pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
>attorney?
>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
>performed on dead people?
>WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
>people. Would you like to re-phrase that?
> ______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
>school did you go to?
>WITNESS: Oral.
> ______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined
>the body?
>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why
>I was doing an autopsy on him!
>____________________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that
>question?
> ______________________________________
>And the best for last:
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
>did you check for a pulse?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
>was alive when you began the autopsy?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in
>a jar.
>ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
> alive,
>nevertheless?
>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
>alive and practicing law.